Secrets
by Silver Curiosity
Summary: The Naruto characters have so many secrets, and many of them will be revealed in this fanfic... Read to find out what they are! It's kinda scary, no, horrifyingly scary...I'm just warning you. Language.
1. Chapter 1

**Secrets**

**a/n: One day I was bored in math, and I thought up this thing. Really random. Somewhat scary. I've warned you, so you readers can't do anything. Secrets about several Naruto characters will be revealed here. Horrifying secrets. Enjoy! But be warned...**

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**Chapter 1**

One day Gaara decided to visit Orochimaru in his secret castle (which wasn't so secret since there was a huge sign on it that said "Orochimaru's Castle" on it). He went inside and found Orochimaru doing his hair. He was putting pink highlights in his hair and making it all curly.

"Orochimaru, are you being gay again?" asked Gaara. Orochimaru screamed in shock. "Gay?! I'm as straight as a circle!" he screeched. He took some nail polish and started doing his nails.

Gaara stared at him. After about a minute, Orochimaru screamed like Michael Jackson (and, trust me, it was gay and scary). "How did you find this hidden place?! And how did you get in here?!" he gasped in horror. "I put traps all over the place!"

"There's this big, fat, stupid sign that gives away the location of your castle, not to mention that you painted the outside of it brightly pink when you're in a GREEN forest, and I came in through the front door. It was wide open," replied Gaara. Orochimaru thought for a moment as he put on lipstick. "Oh yea, the front door was the only place that I didn't put traps in," he recalled. "If I did something as stupid as putting traps by the entrance, then I wouldn't be able to get in without getting caught in one of my traps! Brilliant, right?"

Gaara said, "I have no comment." That's when Temari came crashing in through the ceiling on her fan. She landed on Orochimaru, crushing him. "Gaara, you son of a bitch, why the hell are you here?!" she screamed angrily.

"'Cause I wanna be, you fat whore!" Gaara replied, returning Temari's insult to her.

Temari glared at Gaara. "What did you just call your big sister, you fucking bastard?!" Temari finally got off of Orochimaru, whose make up was all ruined, and started to walk over to Gaara.

"You heard m—" Gaara started, but was bitch-slapped by Temari. "You bitch!" he screamed. (Appropriate word, right?) He was about to kick Temari when Orochimaru stood up in front of Gaara screaming, "MY NAILPOLISH! LOOK WHAT YOU DID, GAARA! YOU MOTHERFUC—"

Temari interrupted him when she "accidentally" whacked him with her fan. "GAARA!" Temari screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING WITH MICHAEL JACKSON, YOU MAMA'S BOY?!" Temari pointed at Orochimaru, indicating that he was Michael Jackson (which he is).

"MAMA'S BOY?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" screamed Gaara.

She started beating the crap out of Orochimaru because she thought that he was trying to rape Gaara. That's when Gai, with his disgusting bowl hairdo, ugly big eyebrows and gay green jumpsuit of gayness, decided to come by.

"I am here because of my youthfulness!" he exclaimed with pride and dignity. (How can he have any dignity after wearing that gay green jumpsuit of gayness?!) Everyone was shocked. Gaara was so shocked by Gai's gay entrance that he fainted (like a girl by putting his hand on his forehead and sighing before he fell).

"Who the hell invited you, you gay, homosexual freak?!" hollered Orochimaru. "Why, Gaara did!" Gai exclaimed happily. "Now we shall hug with youth!"

Everyone was horrified. Gaara stopped being unconscious and woke up. That's how horrifying it was. Gaara screamed like a little girl as Gai jumped on him and started hugging him. Gaara's girly scream could be heard from 50,000,000 light years away.

Then, finally, Gai stopped hugging Gaara. Gaara lay limp on the floor. (He died from, shock, agony, grief, anguish, torture and suffering and any other word that means the same as these.) "Did Gai just hug Gaara?!" Orochimaru screamed in disbelief.

"Oh no he _didn't_!" answered a girly voice that belonged to a guy. Everyone turned around and saw Rock Lee snapping his fingers like a girl while he had one hand on his hip. (blech!) "Get outta my way, girlfriend!' he cried as he pushed Orochimaru into a toilet. He ran to Gai and asked, "Is it,_ like_, true?!"

Gai replied, "Why, yes, Rock Lee. I'm sorry for cheating on you."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" screamed Temari and Orochimaru (who still had his head stuck in the toilet)

"I, _like_, can't believe it!" Rock Lee sobbed.

To be continued…

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**a/n: I'm planning to make the apocalypse happen sometime soon, so be ready. (Not that you can be ready for the apocalypse, but…) Mwa ha ha. I'm evil. A devil in disguise. Only my friends know the real, evil me. At least, I think they do. And they know how random I am. BWA HA HA! PIE! Sorry. That was my randomness taking over.**

**Oh yea, beware. The next chapter's gonna be real scary. Just warning you. R&R! It's real easy.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Secrets**

**Chapter two**

**a/n: Hmmm…What are all these lawyers doing outside my window…ZOMG! I FORGOT SOMETHING!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NOTHING. NO SUEING! NO SUEING!**

**O.o… Please ignore that…**

Orochimaru was trying to get his head out of the toilet when Gai accidentally pressed the lever to flush the toilet, flushing Orochimaru down the toilet. Rock Lee and Gai stared at the toilet for a moment, then cried, "Youthful toilet, you have youthfully flushed Michael Jackson down yourself!"

Then the toilet disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and Sasuke appeared in its place, wearing a frilly, pink thong. He was staring at himself in a mirror while applying eye shadow to his chin. (Yea, something's wrong with him.) He was humming "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" while trying to put on a pink bra that matched his thong.

This sight was so disturbing that Gaara stopped being dead and screamed out, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" then died again. Sasuke stopped humming and dropped the mirror and eye shadow. He just stared at everybody for a second, then let out the girliest scream anyone has ever heard. He tried to cover the bra and thong with his hands, but he couldn't. So he ran towards the front door of the castle screaming, "I WANT MY MOTHER!"

Temari looked disgusted. "YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T WANT YOU AFTER SEEING WHAT WE'RE ALL SEEING RIGHT NOW!"

When Sasuke was a half an inch away from the front door, it banged open, flinging Sasuke over Rock Lee's, Gai's Temari's and the twice-dead Gaara's head and into a dumpster. Standing at the front door was the figure that had banged the door open, and was dripping wet.

**a/n: I congratulate you if you have read the whole entire chapter…especially after reading the part about Sasuke in a thong… COOKIES FOR ALL WHO HAVE READ THE WHOLE CHAPTER!!!! (holds out big plate of cookies) Let's see if you're brave enough to face the complete and utter horrors of the next chapter…DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN…It's gonna be more scary than this chapter… Review!**

**Try to guess who the driiping wet person is. Tell me in a review. If you do...then you do!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Secrets**

**Chapter Three**

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**Disclaimer:** Don't want what happened in the last chapter, so here: I DON'T FRICKIN OWN NARUTO. Or the president. But the grannies are a different story. Hahahaha.

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**a/n:** I had this written up even before I posted chapter 2 but I never got the chance to type it up. I'm so sorry! I'll try to continue my other fics soon! I promise! Now here's the next chapter of horror. Not my fault if you happen to pass away in the middle of it. You've been forewarned.

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It was hard to see the figure at first, but when it stepped into the light, everyone saw that it was…

OROCHIMARU! Soaked in toilet water! He marched up to Rock Lee, Temari, Gai, and Gaara and screamed, "Who's the asshole that flushed me down the toilet?!"

Everyone inched away from Gai, leaving him all alone in front of Orochimaru.

Orochimaru started to advance on Gai when he saw Sasuke. His mouth fell wide open. "OH MY FUCKING GOD," he cried, "THAT CHIC'S SEXY!"

The walls broke. Even they were shocked by Orochimaru's last words. Sasuke, who was utterly disgusted by the Michael Jackson's double's words, wiped the eye shadow off his chin and ripped off the bra and thong.

"AHHHH! MY BEAUTIFUL YOUTHFUL EYES!" Gai cried, blinded.

"OH MY, _LIKE_, GOD! MY, _LIKE_, EYES! I'M _LIKE_, BLINDED!" cried Rock Lee, blinded.

"HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" Temari screeched. She whacked Sasuke on the head with her fan. "THIS AIN;T A STRIP CLUB, GOT IT?!"

Sasuke, who was whimpering in fear, stuttered, "G-Got it!"

Orochimaru, who was screaming like, well, like Orochimaru, because he thought Sasuke in a thong and bra was a sexy chic, stopped screaming and put on a sad face. "It's not?" he asked. "Damn, I wanted to strip."

Nobody had time to be utterly horrified because just then, the president of the United States of America (guess who) barged in through the door with soldiers carrying machine guns and toothpicks. (a/n: Don't ask. About the toothpicks, I mean.) He glared at Orochimaru and shouted, "I am here to confiscate Orochimaru's Castle, A.K.A. Orochimaru's Strip Club. I have reason to believe that this individual named Orochimaru owns this place and that he is Michael Jackson and a man-whore. Now hand yourself over, or I'll MAKE you hand yourself over."

Orochimaru, in a business-like voice that sounded a lot like Michael Jackson's, said, "What makes you so sure that _I_ am Michael Jackson?"

The president replied, "Your white face and gay voice."

"Well-Well, what makes you think this is a strip club?" Orochimaru asked, intimidated. The president stared in Sasuke's direction. So did Orochimaru. He started to laugh nervously. Then he exclaimed, "I'm not the whore, he is!"

"And he's in _your_ strip club," the president said matter-of-factly.

Rock Lee came up to the president and grabbed his hands. He asked, "Are you,_ like_, that porn star Paris Hilton?"

Bush snatched his hands away from Rock Lee in disgust, but his eyes lit up when he heard Rock Lee's question.

"You think I'm beautiful enough and sexy enough to be a porn star?!" The president's eyes filled up with tears of joy.

"_Like_, of course!" answered Rock Lee. The president then said, "Then yes. Yes I am. I am the porn star Paris Hilton!" He looked proud ('cause Rock Lee thinks he's a porn star?!) and happily cried to his soldiers, "Let's go, grannies!"

The soldiers glared at him, but since he was the president and all, they listened to him.

In a moment, the president and the grannies were gone. (Grannies throw toothpicks at author. So _that's_ what the toothpicks were for…Ow…) Sasuke, who had lost any dignity he ever had, took his thong and put it back on. Then he walked over to Orochimaru, who had picked up the bra and was studying it in fascination, snatched the bra out of his hands and put it on. He picked up his mirror and eye shadow, and resumed the humming of "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" and locked himself in one of Orochimaru's thong closets. (Yes, Orochimaru has several closets dedicated to the thousands of things he owns.)

Gaara woke up from being dead (don't ask me how) to the sigh of Gai and Rock Lee in a man-hug. He was disturbed. Then he asked, "What happened to that disgusting, ugly whore in the thong?"

"HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN _MY_ THONG CLOSET!" Orochimaru bellowed. (a/n: To all those who are still shocked by this fact, yes, he has thong closets.

Orochimaru grabbed the doorknob of the closet and began pulling as hard as he could. Just then there was a big explosion that blew the closet apart.

To be continued…

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**a/n:** If you got through this chapter without fainting, then you must be very brave…CONGRADULATIONS. Now you can review and tell me what I can do to make this story even more horrifying-I mean, to make it better. Hehehe… Now prepare yourself for chapter 4…


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